My Birth Mother: The Update (or the lack thereof)

Since writing about my birth mother being found, I’ve received countless questions about how the process is coming along.  It’s been remarkable how many people were touched by this development in my life and care enough to remember to ask me about it even months later. 

At the moment, there is nothing much to report on the topic.  I’ve sent two emails to her in addition to the letter I wrote as part of the search process.  Because it appears the paperwork has not been completed and/or processed (it’s a government thing), no identifying information can be exchanged between us.  When I wish to communicate with her, I send the email to the search specialist at the adoption agency, who then forwards it on to my birth mother.  My birth mother has the option to write back to the agency and it would be forwarded to me.  To date I’ve not received any replies.

As I’ve given this update to the many who have asked, it seems the natural reaction is one of feeling bad for me or feeling like they’ve touched a nerve by asking.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  You see, this is something I’ve considered for my whole life and have discussed with the search specialist at the adoption agency for a couple of years.  I have heard the wide variety of stories of how things can go and made sure I was in a place, emotionally, where I was prepared to accept any outcome.  Allow me to elaborate by telling you some of the scenarios I considered and made peace with before consenting to do a search for my birth mother…

• Her response being, “I gave away that baby for a reason, I don’t want anything to do with her.”
• Her response being, “Oh my sweet baby!  I’ll clear a room and she can come stay with me anytime she wants, and she’ll call me when she has problems, and we’ll be mother and daughter!”
• She’s in jail
• She wants to meet me, but then tries to scam me or ask me for money, etc.
• She’s dead
• She has a spouse or kids that she's never told about me
• She’s super successful and maybe even famous
• She’s struggling with finances, health, or some other major life issue
• She’s a reasonable person who I could have a healthy relationship with

And the list goes on and on and on.  What I’m getting at here is that I had peace within myself for anything that could be thrown at me with this situation, including silence.  I reached a point where I knew I could maintain a level of admiration for her for enduring a pregnancy and placing the child for adoption regardless of any other circumstances which may come up. 

It was remarkable to find out that she is alive and to get some history on my adoption and the circumstances surrounding it.  I take comfort in the fact that I have done my part to open the doors of communication and if she chooses to walk through, I’ll gladly be there to meet her.  Otherwise, I’ll continue on with the beautiful life I’ve been given with no regrets for setting out on the adoption search adventure.  I’m better for it, as it stands and for whatever it may become.  

Peace

Relentless Dreamer Adventure to Africa

As some of you know, I have an upcoming business trip to South Africa.  My plane ticket was purchased this week and the reality of it all is setting in. .  There is such a sense of intensity within me for opportunities to see new places and cultures.  The opportunities for fresh experiences abound in this country and I can’t wait to get there and be a part of it.    

I would have loved to be able to include Jason in this (possibly, but hopefully not) once in a lifetime experience.  The funds are simply not available for him to accompany me at this point though.  He has been gracious enough to offer to agree to let me use $200 of “our money” toward my trip, which is incredible.  He has also been the greatest supporter of me taking advantage of the location I will be travelling to and staying a few extra days on my own to have some adventures. 

To that end I’ve decided to stay in country for an additional eight days after my work is complete.  I’ve decided I will leave Cape Town (where I’ll be working) and take a two-hour flight to Durban.  From there I will rent a car and drive up to St. Lucia.  I’ve found wonderful backpacker accommodations there and many opportunities for tours and activities.  There are few elements of travel that cause me concern, however, sitting behind the wheel on the right side of a car and driving in the left lane will be a massive adjustment for me.  It’ll be baptism by fire.  Wish me luck!

Cape Town in the SW and Durban in the NE

The accommodations I will stay in.  Looks like heaven to me!  And only $12 per day!

Some of the opportunities I’m hoping to take advantage of are horseback safaris, driving safaris, kayaking safaris (yes I know hippos are known to eat people… I want to do it anyway), and taking a cultural tour into the local village.  From what I hear, the time of year I will be there (July is their winter) will be an ideal time to see lots of animals and the temperatures will be wonderful. 

   

   

My planning process is only beginning, but I am so excited and thankful for this opportunity.  My world is currently consumed by both planning and working to earn any additional money I can to pay for my trip.  I’m committed to it, so I have to work every angle I can to get the money to pay for it.  I’ve been buying furniture at auctions and spending many hours refinishing it to sell for extra money.  I am taking on odd jobs for friends.  I’m also taking advantage of opportunities to work a few hours for companies in my industry who need extra help.  It’s a lot to take on, but I do it with incredible joy knowing what the end goal is.  Now that more specific plans are falling into place I’ve determined I will need about $1,500 to make all these experiences possible.  It’s quite a small price tag for an 8 day trip, but it’s far more than I have at the moment.  Luckily I travel light with only a backpack and require very modest accommodations. 

I’m looking forward to taking all of you along on this journey via my blog.  I’ve set up a gofundme page if anyone would like to contribute to my trip.  I think it’s actually quite silly to ask others to donate money for such a cause when there are far more worthy opportunities to give money to, but like I said, I have to work every angle to ensure this all comes together.  Click here to donate.

To relentless adventures!  To the Max!

My Birth Mother - From Lost to Found

I feel like I should be shaking.  I just realized my hand is shaking, but not as an involuntary response, I'm making it happen as it seems that should be what is happening.  I am overwhelmed, and yet peaceful, racing, and yet still, confused, and yet certain.  My mouth is wide open and I'm looking all around me as if seeing my surroundings for the first time.  My eyes burn a little from the tears that fell upon first hearing those words, "Ashley, this is Katrina (she is the adoption search specialist I am working with).  Are you sitting down?  I just got off the phone with your birth mother..."

A statement to which I could only respond with a tearful, "Oh My God."

Her name is Linda.  When she was contacted and told what the call was about, she was asked how she felt about it.  Her response, "Scared."  Absolutely!  Can you imagine getting a call, out of the blue, 31 years later?  How do you handle that?  What if you're at work?  Who do you tell?  I imagine "scared" is a massive understatement.

She spoke very little as she took it all in.  Her primary focus was on knowing if I've had a good life.  She was reassured that I have.  She spoke about the sister I have, who is 29, and has a birthday the day before mine.  My sister knows about me.

Linda (it is so baffling to have a name for her) was excited and said she has thought of me often.  I'd written her a letter, which she did not want Katrina to read over the phone.  Katrina told her she would scan it and email it right away, which excited her greatly.

She will take the next steps in registering with the state to allow the process for the release of identifying information to take place.  This will take 4-6 weeks.  In the meantime, I can communicate with her all I want.  I have to write my communication in an email to Katrina and she will copy and paste it in an email to my birth mother.

I'm so glad I stayed home from work today.

The History of Me - The Search For My Birth Mother Begins

I have slept since yesterday's phone call, yet I don't feel like I've processed much yet.  Let me back up.  On December 21, 2015 I went to volunteer at St. Elizabeth Coleman Pregnancy and Adoption Services (SEC), as I have during the Christmas season for the last couple of years.  Back in 1984, I was adopted through their agency. (Back then it was just Coleman.  The two agencies merged later on.)

My entire life I’ve known I was adopted an understood what that meant.  Over the years I’ve considered searching for my birth mother on a number of occasions.  I feel like I have considered it from every possible angle.  From the point of view of my parents, considering my birth mother could be a good or bad person, knowing she may or may not want anything to do with me, knowing it’s possible she has passed away, thinking that it really isn’t overly important because I already have such an amazing family… and the list goes on. 

With all that being said, I started to become more serious about considering the search when I started volunteering with SEC back in 2013.  I got up the nerve to sit down with their Adoption Search Specialist, Katrina, to discuss the process of doing a search and the possible outcomes.  My biggest fear was that my birth mother would turn out to have passed away and that would be the end of the road.  As it turns out, Katrina would be able to reach out to other family members if that was the case and attempt to connect me with them.  Knowing that made such a world of difference to me.  The second item of concern was if the search would be successful.  Once again, good news.  Katrina is a rock star at the whole adoption search game and has almost always succeeded in finding who she is looking for (99%).

I’ve exchanged emails with Katrina a few times since then, usually stating I was going to send in my paperwork to do the search soon.  This consists of an official form, a letter to my birth mother, which Katrina would read to her over the phone when she located her, and a recent picture of myself.   I’ve written that letter over and over for the past couple of years, updating it with new information and rewording it to fit my current state of being.

This past October I, once again, decided it was time to do the search.  I rewrote my letter, printed updated photos, got my form notarized, wrote the check, put it all in an envelope and addressed it to Katrina.  I even emailed her to let her know I’d be putting it in the mail shortly.  That didn’t happen.

Fast forward to December 21.  I was to work a half day in the office and go to SEC to volunteer in the afternoon.  I planned to take my packet in personally.  That morning I couldn’t find the packet for anything.  I got to work without it and took a moment to consider whether this was a sign to let it go or just a result of my terrible housekeeping.  Luckily my letter was saved to the cloud so I was able to access it and review it.  As it turns out, I felt the need to update it even though I had just done so in October.  My pictures were also saved to the cloud so I was able to order new prints.  There was a notary in their office who helped me out with that piece.  All in all, I was able to recreate the packet rather quickly.  I turned it in that day.  Katrina was out for the holidays, but I saw it placed in her mailbox, so there was no question it was there and waiting for her return.

Fast forward again, this time to January 5, 2016 (yesterday as I write this).  I received an email from Katrina telling me she had my file and was ready to go.  She requested to schedule an hour to talk on the phone so she could read me my file.  We scheduled it for 4:00 PM the same day.  The hours of a work day have never dragged on so slowly as they did waiting for 4:00. 

January 5, 2016, 3:55 PM:  I called SEC and asked to speak with Katrina.  She quickly answered and asked if I was ready for this.  I replied I guess I was as ready as I’d ever be.  I had just left work and had to pull my car to a nearby parking lot to take the call so I wouldn’t be disturbed by colleagues coming and going.  I had a notepad and pen ready to take notes on anything she had to tell me. 

At that time she opened what I envision to be a manila folder that has been stored away for a great many years and took out one document/ note at a time and read each one to me over the course of about 40 minutes.  Of course she had to skip over any identifying information like names, companies, cities, etc.  Despite that, I learned details about my birth mother and the circumstances surrounding her pregnancy and adoption plan that I never dreamed would be available. 

Out of respect for my birth mother I won’t reveal all the specifics, but some of the information I was able to obtain included:

• Her family history- including heights, weights, appearance, interests, occupations, ages, and some medical history for all her siblings, and close relatives back to her grandparents. 

• Details of the situation she found herself in and why she chose to make an adoption plan.

• Specific dates of when she first contacted the agency, conversations and meetings she had with her assigned agency worker.  These described several conversations in detail about what was going on in her life, her demeanor with the caseworker, what she was excited about, nervous/ concerned about, where her mindset was, and so much more. 

• One of the specific detail I’d love to share involves the selection process.   My birth mother was given the profiles of three possible families to choose for her child.  They were labeled Family A, Family B, and Family C.  On November 9^th she called the agency to let them know she had selected Family A, which are the wonderful people I call my parents.  The fun fact about this is November 9^th is my mom’s birthday.  She would have been celebrating her special day and having no idea that there was another present she had been selected to receive. She’d just have to wait another month to find out. 

• I have always known I was given a name before I was placed with my parents.  However, I never knew if it was given to me by my birth mother, the hospital, or during the 10 days I spent in foster care.  There is still not a conclusive verdict on this, but it seems likely that name was given to me by my birth mother.  It was Holly Noel.  

• My birth mother followed up with the agency a few times over the next few years.  The final update was in 1987 when she informed them that she gave birth to a baby girl who, it seems, she chose to parent.  I have a sister.  I’ve always been an only child.  I don’t really comprehend this concept of a sister.  That one will take a bit to process and absorb.  Well, everything will. 

That phone call was quite a roller coaster.  I went from giggles to tears to all out bawling and back over and over.  I feel like I know a ton and yet I know nothing at all. 

As a result of some very early (and promising) developments in the search, it is expected to be a very quick process of getting in touch with my birth mother.  Once Katrina locates her and is able to contact her, I will be notified.  It will be my birth mother's choice on how she wishes to proceed at that point.  After the years of consideration of all the ways this could go, I can say with certainty I am prepared for any type of response and have no expectations.  For now, I’ll be working on processing all the new information I have. 

Wow.  Damn.  Crazy.