Precious Final Moments With Grampa

There is a room in grampa and grama’s house that we call the “fireplace room.”  It is on the lower level of the house and has a fantastic wood burning fireplace.  We have had a lot of family get-togethers, cook-outs, holidays and all sorts of good times in that room.  Grampa built it as an addition to the house quite a few years back (maybe 15ish years ago).  That’s where I’m writing from today.

 

Yesterday morning, my grampa, one of the most special people I will ever have the pleasure of knowing, passed away.  He had been in bad health for over two years and it was finally his time to be at peace.  I got the call the day before that I really needed to come and see him.  That was on Friday around noon.  I immediately packed up at the office, got in the car and headed out towards the nursing home.  It is an hour-long drive so I had some time to send out some texts and make some calls to a couple of close friends. 

I arrived and was the only one there with him which I knew would be a really nice one on one time with him.  My uncle had just left shortly before I got there and would return later on.  The nurses brought in a cart with lemonade, iced tea and some snacks for any visitors who came.  I knew then that this was definitely not a promising sign.  A few nurses came in and talked with me, telling me this was the end this time.  They had no way of saying how long it would be, but almost definitely not more than a few days. 

He woke up briefly when I came in and said, “Hi Ashley.  Turn that heat down.”  So I quickly complied and turned the heat down and cracked the window to get some fresh, cool air in the room.  It was an odd request since he is normally chilly, but I didn’t question it. 

I sat a wheelchair next to grampa’s bed and grabbed a pillow from the couch.  I put the pillow on the bed rail, held his hand and fell asleep there by his side.

I’m not sure how long I slept, but a couple of nurses woke me up when they came in to give him his medicine and change the dressings on his legs.  It was then that we found out we couldn’t get him to wake up.  He was still breathing and his vitals were relatively stable, but nothing would get him to come around. 

A hospice nurse who had taken care of him in the past came by to visit and talked me through what I could expect and also gave me a booklet with a section circled that was labeled, “Hours to one – two days.”  I didn’t think I needed or wanted to read it, but I did eventually read it and was glad I did.

After a while, my uncle and cousin came in.  Shortly after, grama came in.  She didn’t know what was going on yet, but she sure knew when she walked into the room and looked at all of us.

We had a few other visitors as the afternoon wore on including more of my cousins and my aunt.  Around 7:00, grama left to go home and get some rest.  I (in true Ashley fashion) refused to leave.  One of my wonderful friends went to my house, packed me a bag with three days’ worth of clothing and stuff and drove it all the way out to the nursing home for me.  I had absolutely no intention of leaving that nursing home until grampa took his last breath.  My friend who brought my things said, “I pity the person who tries to get you to leave.”

I sat up with grampa for a while, just holding his hand and talking to him now and then even though he couldn’t respond, telling him that I loved him and wouldn’t leave him.

I made a bed on the little loveseat in the room and slept well for three hours at a time.   He was to have a dose of morphine for the immense pain he was in every three hours.  I set alarms on my phone to go off every three hours to make sure the nurses didn’t forget.  They wouldn’t have forgotten, but I was determined to be on top of making sure he was as comfortable as possible. 

During one medicine wake up, he roused a bit, which made me clumsily jump up from my makeshift bed to get by his bedside.  I said, “Hi grampa.”  And he replied, “Hi Ashley.”  Throughout the night, he had a few more moments like this where he could get out a word or two.  It was obvious he wanted to speak more, but he just couldn’t. 

I woke up for his 6:00am dose of morphine and only lightly dozed after that.  By 7:30am I started wondering if I should get up or go back to sleep until 9:00.  I knew it would be a long day regardless of what happened so I reasoned that sleeping until 9:00 was a good idea.  Of course, my heart overruled my reason and I felt like I should get up and clean up the room in case any visitors began to come around 9:00. So I did.  I busied myself with cleaning the room up and the nursing home brought by a nice breakfast around 8:00.

Grampa was pretty active in the morning.  He spoke a few full sentences.  Not about anything in particular, but he spoke and was fairly aware.  In the book the hospice nurse had given me, it said that often times a person will have a surge of energy just before they pass.  I knew this must be it.  I texted my uncle and let him know.  I didn’t know if this meant there were minutes or a day or what, but I recognized this was a change.

I started to sit down in the recliner next to the bed and read, but something prompted me to go sit next to grampa and pay attention to him.  I don’t know if he awakened a bit or if he was coughing or what it was.  I really have no idea.  I was still only half awake, but I went to sit by him.  I sat by his side and held his hand and once again told him how much I loved him and that I wouldn’t leave him.  As minutes went by, it crossed my mind to say that over and over, but my heart told me to just be quiet and treasure the moment.  He already knew. 

As I watched him, there came a moment that I knew was going to be his last.  I had a brief moment of denial and question, but as I listened to his slowing breath and watched his face, I was certain.  I felt the tears begin to fall down my face and the feeling of sorrow creep in as I watched his chest rise and fall for the last time and his eyes completely close.  I sat for a few moments in sheer amazement before putting my head on his chest and checking for a pulse for confirmation.  When I knew for sure there was nothing, I looked at the clock and noted the time, 8:43am. 

I remember sobbing and gasping and continuing to hold his hand.  I remember my tears soaking in to his hospital gown as I cried with my head on his chest.  I remember standing up and pacing back and forth while running my fingers through my hair, then pulling my hair.  I remember grabbing hold of the chair and bed to get myself to stand still.  I remember simply not knowing what do or how to handle so many emotions all at once.  Most of all, I remember how thankful I felt and I remember saying it out loud in between sobs.  Ever since he has been in bad health, I’ve known that I wanted more than anything in the world to be there with him when he passed away.  I was so thankful I was there, holding his hand and watching him as he let go of life. 

I finally sat down beside him once more and stilled my body.  I took hold of his hand and quickly realized that his body had such little relevance to me.  It was an incredible and unexpected revelation.  I really thought I would want to remain close to his body for a long time, but it must be because I watched him let go that my heart knew with absolute certainty, he was far more with me in my heart than physically in that room.  It was a surprise, but a relief.  Everything suddenly felt so peaceful, so ok.  I was still hurting and sad, but much more calm and just truly ok. 

So now, 37 hours have passed without my grampa, but I’ve found a moment of solitude here in grampa’s favorite room, the fireplace room.  It has been snowing for a couple of hours and there was no firewood, so I picked up almost every fallen branch in the yard and broke them down into pieces that would fit in the fireplace to heat the room.  As I was picking up the branches and slamming my foot down on some of the bigger ones, essentially just making a fool of myself trying to break branches that were far too big for my strength and I realized that if grampa was watching me from heaven right then, he was probably laughing at me.  I’ve had to get up a few times while writing this and bring armloads of branches in just to keep it going, but like so much else, it just feels ok.  I’m sure grampa’s awfully happy I’m staying warm by a fire on this snowy evening, here in his room, the one he built with so much love.