I
have slept since yesterday's phone call, yet I don't feel like I've processed
much yet. Let me back up.
On December 21, 2015 I went to volunteer at St. Elizabeth Coleman
Pregnancy and Adoption Services (SEC), as I have during the Christmas season
for the last couple of years. Back in
1984, I was adopted through their agency. (Back then it was just Coleman. The two agencies merged later on.)
My
entire life I’ve known I was adopted an understood what that meant. Over the years I’ve considered searching for
my birth mother on a number of occasions.
I feel like I have considered it from every possible angle. From the point of view of my parents,
considering my birth mother could be a good or bad person, knowing she may or
may not want anything to do with me, knowing it’s possible she has passed away,
thinking that it really isn’t overly important because I already have such an
amazing family… and the list goes on.
With
all that being said, I started to become more serious about considering the
search when I started volunteering with SEC back in 2013. I got up the nerve to sit down with their
Adoption Search Specialist, Katrina, to discuss the process of doing a
search and the possible outcomes. My
biggest fear was that my birth mother would turn out to have passed away and
that would be the end of the road. As it
turns out, Katrina would be able to reach out to other family members if that
was the case and attempt to connect me with them. Knowing that made such a world of difference
to me. The second item of concern was if
the search would be successful. Once again, good news. Katrina is a rock star at the whole adoption search game and has
almost always succeeded in finding who she is looking for (99%).
I’ve
exchanged emails with Katrina a few times since then, usually stating I was
going to send in my paperwork to do the search soon. This consists of an official form, a letter
to my birth mother, which Katrina would read to her over the phone when she located
her, and a recent picture of myself. I’ve written that letter over and over for the
past couple of years, updating it with new information and rewording it to fit
my current state of being.
This
past October I, once again, decided it was time to do the search. I rewrote my letter, printed updated photos,
got my form notarized, wrote the check, put it all in an envelope and addressed
it to Katrina. I even emailed her to let
her know I’d be putting it in the mail shortly.
That didn’t happen.
Fast
forward to December 21. I was to work a
half day in the office and go to SEC to volunteer in the afternoon. I planned to take my packet in personally. That morning I couldn’t find the packet for
anything. I got to work without it and
took a moment to consider whether this was a sign to let it go or just a result
of my terrible housekeeping. Luckily my
letter was saved to the cloud so I was able to access it and review it. As it turns out, I felt the need to update it
even though I had just done so in October.
My pictures were also saved to the cloud so I was able to order new prints. There was a
notary in their office who helped me out with that
piece. All in all, I was able to recreate
the packet rather quickly. I turned it
in that day. Katrina was out for the
holidays, but I saw it placed in her mailbox, so there was no question it was
there and waiting for her return.
Fast
forward again, this time to January 5, 2016 (yesterday as I write this). I received an email from Katrina telling me
she had my file and was ready to go. She
requested to schedule an hour to talk on the phone so she could read me my
file. We scheduled it for 4:00 PM the
same day. The hours of a work day have
never dragged on so slowly as they did waiting for 4:00.
January
5, 2016, 3:55 PM: I called SEC and asked
to speak with Katrina. She quickly
answered and asked if I was ready for this.
I replied I guess I was as ready as I’d ever be. I had just left work and had to pull my car
to a nearby parking lot to take the call so I wouldn’t be disturbed by
colleagues coming and going. I had a
notepad and pen ready to take notes on anything she had to tell me.
At
that time she opened what I envision to be a manila folder that has been stored
away for a great many years and took out one document/ note at a time and read
each one to me over the course of about 40 minutes. Of course she had to skip over any
identifying information like names, companies, cities, etc. Despite that, I learned details about my birth mother and the circumstances surrounding her pregnancy and adoption plan that I
never dreamed would be available.
Out
of respect for my birth mother I won’t reveal all the specifics, but some of the
information I was able to obtain included:
- Her
family history- including heights, weights, appearance, interests, occupations,
ages, and some medical history for all her siblings, and close relatives back
to her grandparents.
- Details
of the situation she found herself in and why she chose to make an adoption
plan.
- Specific
dates of when she first contacted the agency, conversations and meetings she
had with her assigned agency worker.
These described several conversations in detail about what was going on
in her life, her demeanor with the caseworker, what she was excited about,
nervous/ concerned about, where her mindset was, and so much more.
- One of the specific detail I’d love to share involves the selection process. My birth mother was given the profiles of
three possible families to choose for her child. They were labeled Family A, Family B, and
Family C. On November 9th she
called the agency to let them know she had selected Family A, which are the
wonderful people I call my parents. The
fun fact about this is November 9th is my mom’s birthday. She would have been celebrating her special
day and having no idea that there was another present she had been selected to
receive. She’d just have to wait another month to find out.
- I have always known I was given a name before I was placed with my parents. However, I never knew if it was given to me by my birth mother, the hospital, or during the 10 days I spent in foster care. There is still not a conclusive verdict on this, but it seems likely that name was given to me by my birth mother. It was Holly Noel.
- My birth mother followed up with the agency a few times over the next few
years. The final update was in 1987 when she informed them that she
gave birth to a baby girl who, it seems, she chose to parent. I have a sister. I’ve always been an only child. I don’t really comprehend this concept of a
sister. That one will take a bit to
process and absorb. Well, everything
will.
That
phone call was quite a roller coaster. I
went from giggles to tears to all out bawling and back over and over. I feel like I know a ton and yet I know
nothing at all.
As
a result of some very early (and promising) developments in the search, it is
expected to be a very quick process of getting in touch with my birth mother. Once Katrina locates her
and is able to contact her, I will be notified.
It will be my birth mother's choice on how she wishes to proceed at that
point. After the years of consideration
of all the ways this could go, I can say with certainty I am prepared for any
type of response and have no expectations.
For now, I’ll be working on processing all the new information I
have.
