Precious Final Moments With Grampa

There is a room in grampa and grama’s house that we call the “fireplace room.”  It is on the lower level of the house and has a fantastic wood burning fireplace.  We have had a lot of family get-togethers, cook-outs, holidays and all sorts of good times in that room.  Grampa built it as an addition to the house quite a few years back (maybe 15ish years ago).  That’s where I’m writing from today.

 

Yesterday morning, my grampa, one of the most special people I will ever have the pleasure of knowing, passed away.  He had been in bad health for over two years and it was finally his time to be at peace.  I got the call the day before that I really needed to come and see him.  That was on Friday around noon.  I immediately packed up at the office, got in the car and headed out towards the nursing home.  It is an hour-long drive so I had some time to send out some texts and make some calls to a couple of close friends. 

I arrived and was the only one there with him which I knew would be a really nice one on one time with him.  My uncle had just left shortly before I got there and would return later on.  The nurses brought in a cart with lemonade, iced tea and some snacks for any visitors who came.  I knew then that this was definitely not a promising sign.  A few nurses came in and talked with me, telling me this was the end this time.  They had no way of saying how long it would be, but almost definitely not more than a few days. 

He woke up briefly when I came in and said, “Hi Ashley.  Turn that heat down.”  So I quickly complied and turned the heat down and cracked the window to get some fresh, cool air in the room.  It was an odd request since he is normally chilly, but I didn’t question it. 

I sat a wheelchair next to grampa’s bed and grabbed a pillow from the couch.  I put the pillow on the bed rail, held his hand and fell asleep there by his side.

I’m not sure how long I slept, but a couple of nurses woke me up when they came in to give him his medicine and change the dressings on his legs.  It was then that we found out we couldn’t get him to wake up.  He was still breathing and his vitals were relatively stable, but nothing would get him to come around. 

A hospice nurse who had taken care of him in the past came by to visit and talked me through what I could expect and also gave me a booklet with a section circled that was labeled, “Hours to one – two days.”  I didn’t think I needed or wanted to read it, but I did eventually read it and was glad I did.

After a while, my uncle and cousin came in.  Shortly after, grama came in.  She didn’t know what was going on yet, but she sure knew when she walked into the room and looked at all of us.

We had a few other visitors as the afternoon wore on including more of my cousins and my aunt.  Around 7:00, grama left to go home and get some rest.  I (in true Ashley fashion) refused to leave.  One of my wonderful friends went to my house, packed me a bag with three days’ worth of clothing and stuff and drove it all the way out to the nursing home for me.  I had absolutely no intention of leaving that nursing home until grampa took his last breath.  My friend who brought my things said, “I pity the person who tries to get you to leave.”

I sat up with grampa for a while, just holding his hand and talking to him now and then even though he couldn’t respond, telling him that I loved him and wouldn’t leave him.

I made a bed on the little loveseat in the room and slept well for three hours at a time.   He was to have a dose of morphine for the immense pain he was in every three hours.  I set alarms on my phone to go off every three hours to make sure the nurses didn’t forget.  They wouldn’t have forgotten, but I was determined to be on top of making sure he was as comfortable as possible. 

During one medicine wake up, he roused a bit, which made me clumsily jump up from my makeshift bed to get by his bedside.  I said, “Hi grampa.”  And he replied, “Hi Ashley.”  Throughout the night, he had a few more moments like this where he could get out a word or two.  It was obvious he wanted to speak more, but he just couldn’t. 

I woke up for his 6:00am dose of morphine and only lightly dozed after that.  By 7:30am I started wondering if I should get up or go back to sleep until 9:00.  I knew it would be a long day regardless of what happened so I reasoned that sleeping until 9:00 was a good idea.  Of course, my heart overruled my reason and I felt like I should get up and clean up the room in case any visitors began to come around 9:00. So I did.  I busied myself with cleaning the room up and the nursing home brought by a nice breakfast around 8:00.

Grampa was pretty active in the morning.  He spoke a few full sentences.  Not about anything in particular, but he spoke and was fairly aware.  In the book the hospice nurse had given me, it said that often times a person will have a surge of energy just before they pass.  I knew this must be it.  I texted my uncle and let him know.  I didn’t know if this meant there were minutes or a day or what, but I recognized this was a change.

I started to sit down in the recliner next to the bed and read, but something prompted me to go sit next to grampa and pay attention to him.  I don’t know if he awakened a bit or if he was coughing or what it was.  I really have no idea.  I was still only half awake, but I went to sit by him.  I sat by his side and held his hand and once again told him how much I loved him and that I wouldn’t leave him.  As minutes went by, it crossed my mind to say that over and over, but my heart told me to just be quiet and treasure the moment.  He already knew. 

As I watched him, there came a moment that I knew was going to be his last.  I had a brief moment of denial and question, but as I listened to his slowing breath and watched his face, I was certain.  I felt the tears begin to fall down my face and the feeling of sorrow creep in as I watched his chest rise and fall for the last time and his eyes completely close.  I sat for a few moments in sheer amazement before putting my head on his chest and checking for a pulse for confirmation.  When I knew for sure there was nothing, I looked at the clock and noted the time, 8:43am. 

I remember sobbing and gasping and continuing to hold his hand.  I remember my tears soaking in to his hospital gown as I cried with my head on his chest.  I remember standing up and pacing back and forth while running my fingers through my hair, then pulling my hair.  I remember grabbing hold of the chair and bed to get myself to stand still.  I remember simply not knowing what do or how to handle so many emotions all at once.  Most of all, I remember how thankful I felt and I remember saying it out loud in between sobs.  Ever since he has been in bad health, I’ve known that I wanted more than anything in the world to be there with him when he passed away.  I was so thankful I was there, holding his hand and watching him as he let go of life. 

I finally sat down beside him once more and stilled my body.  I took hold of his hand and quickly realized that his body had such little relevance to me.  It was an incredible and unexpected revelation.  I really thought I would want to remain close to his body for a long time, but it must be because I watched him let go that my heart knew with absolute certainty, he was far more with me in my heart than physically in that room.  It was a surprise, but a relief.  Everything suddenly felt so peaceful, so ok.  I was still hurting and sad, but much more calm and just truly ok. 

So now, 37 hours have passed without my grampa, but I’ve found a moment of solitude here in grampa’s favorite room, the fireplace room.  It has been snowing for a couple of hours and there was no firewood, so I picked up almost every fallen branch in the yard and broke them down into pieces that would fit in the fireplace to heat the room.  As I was picking up the branches and slamming my foot down on some of the bigger ones, essentially just making a fool of myself trying to break branches that were far too big for my strength and I realized that if grampa was watching me from heaven right then, he was probably laughing at me.  I’ve had to get up a few times while writing this and bring armloads of branches in just to keep it going, but like so much else, it just feels ok.  I’m sure grampa’s awfully happy I’m staying warm by a fire on this snowy evening, here in his room, the one he built with so much love.

Santa Claus Came to Town

I've missed writing SO much the last couple of weeks!  Just when I thought life was going to slow down and give me nothing but time to write, read, cook and relax, everything got flipped upside down.  Such is life, huh?  At any rate, I’m back and very excited to begin sharing with you once more.

The entire week leading up to Christmas and the week that followed are a blur for me.  My grampa suddenly went back to the hospital and was released to the nursing home.  Just as he was getting settled back in at home, his health took another dive.  That certainly shook up Christmas plans a bit, but it certainly didn't ruin anything.  My wonderful family adjusted their plans and made sure we were all together and that grampa got to see everyone. 

A few days before Christmas, my mom and dad came to town and stayed at my house for a night.  We had a blast.  It’s the first time they've stayed at my house since I moved away eight years ago, so it was super special.  They also spent a night at each grandparent’s house while they were in town.  We had a great time together, telling stories, eating great food, visiting with relatives… all the things that make it feel like Christmas time.

One of my favorite activities that I got to share with them was shooting.  A few firearms, LOTS of ammunition, and my Halloween pumpkins made for great fun at the lake.  I bought myself a new gun for Christmas so I was dying to play with it and share it with anyone who wanted to fire it.  Mom didn't think she would enjoy shooting at all, but she was the one who couldn't wait for me to reload the magazine and hand it back to her. 

On Christmas Eve, I went to see grampa at the nursing home and brought him his gift.  He’s carried a knife everywhere he’s gone for most of his life.  Many of his knives were sold in the auction earlier this year and his normal pocket knife has become very dull.  Knowing this, I ordered him a great new SOG knife.  He liked it right away and got in some good therapy for his hands learning to unfold and re-fold it.  It’s quite a challenge for his weak, numb fingers, but after a few times, he was opening and closing it almost with ease. 

It was great to see him with a knife and I knew he would have ten uses for it within the next day.  In fact, he found a use for it immediately.  Someone had brought him a jar of pickled eggs (gag!) for Christmas, but he didn’t have any silverware in his nursing home room to fish them out with.  Before I knew it, he had that new knife submerged in the pickled egg jar and was stabbing at eggs.  He ate one and then carefully cleaned and dried the new knife.  It brought new meaning to the saying, “Where there’s a will there’s a way.”

Later that evening I got to go over to my aunt and uncle’s house and visit with the cousins for a while.  One of my cousins is in the Navy and currently in Africa, but her husband and two little girls were in town.  It was the next best thing to having her there with us.  I don’t typically know what to do with kids (I think I’m missing that maternal gene to some degree), but with those two, I always have the time of my life.  They are so happy and friendly.  They melt my heart with their innocence and beauty.  I can’t get enough of hugging them and playing with them.  Having them around was a great Christmas gift in itself.

Here are a few fun pictures from Christmas weekend in my world.  I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and are looking forward to a fantastic new year in 2013!

Mom and Dad inspecting their gifts

I've put bows on my head for longer than anyone can remember

Mama playing sharp shooter with my new gun

Nothing like firearms and deer sausage

Me, grama and mom (grama got in the spirit with bows on her head too!)

Day after Christmas "Blizzard"

I made a fire once the snow stopped

What Will Today Hold?

I have another blog that I write in just for myself, but I pulled this post from a couple of months ago out of it and wanted to share it with you tonight.  Enjoy!


As I am writing this, it is still early in the day, but I wanted to open up a new post.  There's really nothing to report yet, but a question just popped into my head... "What will today hold?"

Kind of an interesting thought really.  Thinking about my blog and what there will be to say about today I realize I have a lot of power.  I have been given a whole day.  How will I use this day?  What will I do?  What decisions will I make?  What people will I see?  Will something remarkable happen?  These are all decisions I can begin making right now!  It's about more than just what plans I have on my calendar.  It's about every little moment.

At this moment, the things I know today holds are going to the grocery store and making chili for a friend tonight.  He's let me use his truck multiple times for my project and even picked up a special order at Menards for me, so he requested that I make chili and mac & cheese as a way to return the favor.

Later in the Afternoon...
Something wonderful did happen today.  I wore my US Navy sweatshirt to work today.  The yellow one that my cousin got for me that I love so much.  On my lunch break I was in WalMart and an old man approached me and asked if I was in the Navy. I told him, "No, but I've got a cousin who is." He then proceeded to tell me he was a retired Marine Corps Colonel. We talked a short time and I told him about my grampa who was a Sergeant in the Marines and my father who was in the Navy as well. By the time we were done talking, I had to quickly walk away because I was so proud of my family and their service and so thankful for all who serve that I was in tears.  He left me with a, "Semper Fi".  I'm still tearing up thinking about it now.  I was absolutely overflowing with love and thankfulness.  

One simple decision I made today lead to this blessed moment.  I chose to dress way down and wear a Navy hoodie.  I was thinking about my cousin when I put it on and was so proud to wear it today.  All because of that one little decision I met this man and my world was brightened.   

A Peaceful Thanksgiving

Anything involving any part of my family is tends to be an adventure.    Wednesday night (the night before Thanksgiving) I went over to my aunt and uncle’s house to hang out, relax and spend some time with some great family members I don't get to hang out with often enough.  There were a number of places I was invited to spend the holiday at, but theirs was the house I really wanted to be in. 

Over there, it is more than acceptable to be in sweat pants with no makeup on.  It’s ok to grab something from the fridge.  To sample whatever is on the stove.  To chillax and do your own thing.  Basically, you’re free to be you.  There’s a lot of love, compassion and humor in that house.  I couldn't dream of any better place to insert myself for a couple of days.

Wednesday night, two of my female cousins, my aunt and I all settled into the living room for a Duck Dynasty and Couple’s Therapy marathon.  We laughed and laughed and had a great girls’ night.  One cousin and I stayed up a while after everyone else and chatted late into the night.  That was the most precious time I've ever spent with her.  It’s amazing how fast we all grow up and change.  I got to know her as an adult and discovered she is an even more amazing, intelligent and beautiful person than I could have imagined. 

Thanksgiving Day rolled around and I awoke on the couch, so happy to be where I was.  Having been single and living alone for so long, it is wonderful to be inserted into a big family environment every once in a while.  Somewhere there are people and things going on all around me and I'm just one little part of it.  At my house, things are quiet.  The only movement is my own.  There’s nothing to observe.  I rather like it that way on a regular basis.  It’s peaceful to not have to worry or think about anyone or anything other than my little world.  But it absolutely fills me with joy to be amongst loved ones like I was the last couple of days.

My cousin and I flipped Duck Dynasty back on as we peeled potatoes on the couch.  Then I proceeded to nap off and on.  Another cousin held something in front of my face at one point in the morning.  I grabbed hold of a red tube-like device and looked at it for a moment.  Then I looked up at him and asked, “is this a blowgun?”  Indeed it was!  The darts for this thing were ridiculously sharp and looked like very thick needles.  Probably 4-5” in length.  Next thing I knew, I heard “PFFT” followed by the sound of a dart hitting wood.  And another one followed.  Let me tell you, for as fast as those things fly and as deep as they sink into hard wood, I would NOT want to be shot with one.  It was in that moment that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, I was right where I wanted to be.  I know.  Crazy.

Not long after, I began hearing a clicking sound from another room.  I immediately thought, “that sounds like a stun gun.”  A few seconds later, I find out I was right!  One cousin walks out of the room teasing another one with this thing.  And I completely lost it.  Laughing hysterically. 

Amongst the flying blowgun darts, amazing smells from the kitchen, vacuum cleaner running to prepare the house before the meal, people talking to each other from one room to another, I felt completely at peace.  I lay back down on the couch and must’ve fallen back asleep.  The next thing I knew, someone was patting me on the shoulder and I opened my eyes to see my grama leaning over me to say hello.  And I knew it must be nearly time to eat. 

We had an enormous and beyond delicious meal.  I can’t even tell you all the things we passed around.  I can, however, tell you I ate way too much.  It was wonderful. The one cousin who was missing from the holiday is in the Navy and she’s currently in Djibouti (Africa).  We did get to have her with us via Facetime for a short bit which was a great highlight of the day.  We showed her the table with all the food and heard about the meal she’d had as well. 

I took another nap after the meal and later headed up to my other grandma’s house where my mom and dad were.  We spent the evening discussing “Fifty Shades of Grey” and making comparisons between Christian Grey and the men we knew.  Then we debated the extent of Khloe Kardashian's lack of intelligence for a while.  Good times! 

There you have it!  Duck Dynasty, a blowgun, girl time, grandparents, Facetime, and Fifty Shades of Grey.  A perfect Thanksgiving!

Love, Pain and the Whole Crazy Thing (Christmas Style)

I LOVE decorating my house for Christmas.  Always have.  I can remember the Christmas tree we had when I was growing up.  It was an old school one that had a big pole with color coded holes around it at different heights.  The branches were separate and had a wire the bent down at a 90 degree angle which was painted in colors to match the holes on the upright pole.  You would spend an hour sorting all the branches and trying to discern the blue paint from the green paint on the ends of the branches.  Each color was a different size of branch so you could eventually figure out which were which.  I loved sorting the branches all the way around the dining room, kitchen, living room, hallway... where ever there was some floor space.  Then, with all the love and happiness in the world, I would put the largest branches on first, working from the bottom of the tree all the way up.  

Once they were on, it was time to fluff everything up.  With my arms and fingers getting poked and scratched by the artificial pine needles, I'd sing along to a Christmas cassette or CD (usually Garth Brooks, over and over again).  I'd bend each wire branch into the perfect position.  It would take at least one full day, if not the whole weekend for me to decorate mom and dad's house.  Most things had their place.  Mom had a layout for the Christmas decor, so I went along with it.  It was more about making the house beautiful and magical looking than being creative. It was the warm, fuzzy feeling I got from the season.

About five years ago, I started inheriting more and more Christmas decor from a number of sources (grandparents, parents, etc.).  I had a very large house and was married at that time.  Most everyone was getting to a point where they didn't want to do as much decorating anymore and I was the obvious first choice to call to off load anything they didn't want.  :-)

One day, my Grandma Leavelle asked if I had a theme or a color or anything that I wanted to focus on.  I really hadn't considered that.  I was just collecting whatever I could and finding places to put it all.  I started to search my mind and my heart for what it was that I loved the most and wanted to make the theme of my decor.  I thought about snowmen, silver, blue, angels, Santa Claus, Snow, White, Disney... all kinds of things.  And finally, it hit me.  I remembered how much I loved putting up the tree.  Spending time making it perfect.  Adding lights, garland and ornaments.  And most of all, I loved laying underneath it and looking up at the lights twinkling through the branches.  At mom and dad's house, there was a heat vent in the floor along the back side of the Christmas tree.  I'd lay down under the tree and put a blanket over myself and the vent and have the most warm and cozy place in the house.

That was it!  Trees.  I loved Christmas trees.  When we bought the big house, I got a second Christmas tree to put in a place that just seemed to be the perfect place for a little tree.  The next year, I started to have dreams that many would consider to be crazy.  I dreamed of a "forest" of Christmas trees inside my house!  It would have a little white picket fence and a snow covered ground.  Each tree would have a theme.  There would be snowmen and it would be gorgeous!  

I started measuring and planning and collecting Christmas trees from family members who didn't want to put theirs up anymore.  I bought a couple more when I found them on sale too.  I drilled out some 2x4's to make a base to stand the "fence" up in.  I even grabbed two tree shaped trellises that I had grown clematis on in the summer and wrapped them in lights and green garland to create two more trees.  We moved the furniture to make room for this grand display and I started setting up.

The first year there were seven trees and two snowmen in the forest.  It was stunning.  People thought I was crazy.  I never cared.  It became my favorite place to be.  I'd sit in that room almost every minute I was home.  I'd never turn on the house lights.  The twinkle and glow from the tree lights gave off more than enough light and was the most gorgeous glow.  It filled me with joy, love and peace to be there.

The first year

The next year or two years later (I can't remember which year is which), I would move to a new (much smaller) house after my divorce.  The lack of space wasn't about to take away my forest or dampen my spirit.  I figured out that if I moved the furniture out of the living room and made the forest a little more condensed, I could still fit all the trees in.  With a little re-working, the forest was back!

The first year in the new house

I added birdies decorating the trees that year

This year, I thought it was time to take it to a whole new level.  A level that would make many really worry about my sanity and gain me the title of "Christmas Enthusiast."  At the beginning of October I began working on a secret project.  I posted several things to social media, but would never tell anyone what it was or post anything to give it away.  I worked for over a month on it in every free moment I had.  It was a project all my own.  I took no assistance or advice from anyone.  I was on a mission to conquer the world in a way.  

There were some bumps in the road along the way including electrocution, bumps on head, stubbed toes, cuts, scrapes and a black eye.  It was all part of the experience.  I loved every minute of it.  Even the painful ones.  Go ahead and call me crazy.  You won't be the first or the last.  

In the end, I got it completed and installed and it is amazing.  It's a log cabin facade with a front porch that sits in my living room, among the Christmas trees. 

You Asked For It

Charlie's Bunion in the Smoky Mountains.  A short side hike off the Appalachian Trail.

One day, while listening to my grampa talk about his life and share some of his incredible wisdom with me, he began to speak about dreams.  It was a lesson that will stick with me for the rest of my life.  In short, he told me stories of many of the great things that happened in his life and all the accomplishments he'd had.  Each one related back to a dream.  He would get an idea, an inspiration, a little thought that would become a driving force toward a new adventure.  Something he calls a dream.  I find myself relating to the spirit of a dreamer each and every day.  I have dreams.  Some are big, some small, most a little crazy, and some of them I'm living out right now, but all share one common thread - I have a relentless drive to embark on the adventures to make those dreams come true.

Let's take a step back and look at why you're reading this now...

It's not uncommon for someone to tell me they are amused by my posts to social media.  More than a few people have told me they usually scroll through their news feeds without reading too much, but if they see I've posted they will always stop and read what I have to say.  Others have said they wish there was a reality TV show of my life or at least a blog to elaborate on the events they find amusing.

Today, at the completion of a networking event, I was chatting with a friend who reiterated what many others have said for a long time... I should have a blog.  So in order to indulge the interest of my friends and followers the "Adventures of a Relentless Dreamer" blog has been born.

I don't know if my life is really that interesting or if I'm just more willing to be open about the craziness that exists on a day to day basis, but I'm glad you've decided to join  me on this journey.  I don't make any promises about how interesting or inspirational it will be,  but I hope you will find some amusement in it.