The Courage to be a Dreamer

Zig Ziglar said, “A lot of people have gone farther than they thought they could because someone else thought they could.” 

Grampa was that “someone” for me.  He taught me to have the courage to believe I can accomplish anything I can dream up. 

I made note of that Zig Ziglar quote and how it related to my relationship with my grampa many months ago and came across it as I was searching for things to share with you today.  It’s as fitting now as it has ever been as speaking to you today may be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. 

One day back in November of last year, grampa told me about a man he met who was travelling from somewhere farther towards the east coast and going all the way to Missouri on horseback.  Knowing my love and passion for both travel and riding, he had worked out a complete plan on how I could do the same thing.  Travel on horseback, find farm houses or people in towns who would let me stay with them each night, or even sleep under the stars.  There was no question in his mind that I could do it.  The only detail he forgot was I have no way to get the horse. 

That’s just the thing though.  He believed in me.  Always.  He thought I could do anything.  In every adventure, goal, dream, or crazy scheme I came up with, he was always proud and always behind me. 

He was like that with everyone.  He would invest himself in anyone who was willing to learn.  If there’s something you wanted to do or learn, but didn’t know how, he would never turn down the opportunity to work with you.

He taught me to drive the backhoe, blow out the lines in trailers, work on the engine of my old boat, pack wheel bearings, and even redirect a sewer line.  That was the great thing about him.  Even though I was a girl, he never denied me the opportunity to try anything.  He let me try everything I was willing to try.  Truth be told, I never cared about how to move a sewer line and really didn’t care to cut into that nasty thing.  It was more about the opportunity to be with him.

One of the most important nuggets of wisdom grampa ever shared with me was, “You just have to keep on dreaming.”

Grampa had a lot of dreams and adventures in his life.  Those were my favorite stories to hear. 

I think he really enjoyed the fact that I have a kind of wild and free spirit about me and am always up for a new adventure.  The last couple of years, I’ve been extra jam-packing my world with adventures to come back and report to him. 

I’ve flown across the country, gone on backpacking trips, gone hang gliding, ridden horses across the desert, ties sleds to four wheelers, completed a triathlon, and even built a log cabin in my living room.  And through all of it, all I could think was… “I can’t wait to tell grampa about this!”  And in times when I wasn’t sure I could do it, I’d always remind myself that grampa would believe I could.

Over the past few years, because of grampa, I’ve learned the value of having dreams and focusing on making those dreams come true. 

He bought the campground where he and grama have made their home for the past 39 years when it was an absolute pit.  From what I hear, it was a cluttered, filthy disaster.  But he saw so much more.  It took all they had to buy that property and a great deal of struggle at times to keep it, but that was his dream.  He took such great pride in keeping the property beautiful.  Kassidy mentioned the pride they both had in beautifully mowed grass.  She wasn’t kidding.  There was a right way to mow that grass and everyone was aware of it. 

Here’s how great his pride was in maintaining the campground dream and a true testament to how hard of a worker he was.  After one of many stays in the hospital and nursing home, (actually, he might have been living at the nursing home and just at the campground for the day, I can’t really remember)… Anyway, he could barely walk, but he was out with Tyler, Randy and me.  He was telling us how to blow out the lines on the trailers and at one point, Randy had to go down into a wellhouse or something underground.  Grampa was determined to give him directions on how to do whatever it was he was doing so he got down on his knees and leaned deep into the hole Randy was down in.  I remember Tyler and I just looking wide eyed at each other and shrugging our shoulders.  There was nothing anyone was going to do to stop him and I certainly wasn’t about to be the one to try. 

My favorite thing about my grampa was that he never stopped dreaming.  Even in the late part of last year, as his health was continuing to decline, we sat down one day and he was telling me about all sorts of things he would like to do or have done.  Things like having a barn closer to the house, buying a golf cart, gosh I can’t even begin to remember all the things he rattled off.  Even knowing his time was short, he kept thinking about new dreams. 

Grampa was my greatest inspiration and one of the people I love and respect most in my life.  Nothing gave me greater joy than to hear him say he was proud of me.  There are hundreds of little nuggets of wisdom and special memories of precious moments I shared with him that will live forever in my heart.  In every dream I ever have come true, I will be thankful to him for inspiring me to have the courage to be a dreamer. 

Precious Final Moments With Grampa

There is a room in grampa and grama’s house that we call the “fireplace room.”  It is on the lower level of the house and has a fantastic wood burning fireplace.  We have had a lot of family get-togethers, cook-outs, holidays and all sorts of good times in that room.  Grampa built it as an addition to the house quite a few years back (maybe 15ish years ago).  That’s where I’m writing from today.

 

Yesterday morning, my grampa, one of the most special people I will ever have the pleasure of knowing, passed away.  He had been in bad health for over two years and it was finally his time to be at peace.  I got the call the day before that I really needed to come and see him.  That was on Friday around noon.  I immediately packed up at the office, got in the car and headed out towards the nursing home.  It is an hour-long drive so I had some time to send out some texts and make some calls to a couple of close friends. 

I arrived and was the only one there with him which I knew would be a really nice one on one time with him.  My uncle had just left shortly before I got there and would return later on.  The nurses brought in a cart with lemonade, iced tea and some snacks for any visitors who came.  I knew then that this was definitely not a promising sign.  A few nurses came in and talked with me, telling me this was the end this time.  They had no way of saying how long it would be, but almost definitely not more than a few days. 

He woke up briefly when I came in and said, “Hi Ashley.  Turn that heat down.”  So I quickly complied and turned the heat down and cracked the window to get some fresh, cool air in the room.  It was an odd request since he is normally chilly, but I didn’t question it. 

I sat a wheelchair next to grampa’s bed and grabbed a pillow from the couch.  I put the pillow on the bed rail, held his hand and fell asleep there by his side.

I’m not sure how long I slept, but a couple of nurses woke me up when they came in to give him his medicine and change the dressings on his legs.  It was then that we found out we couldn’t get him to wake up.  He was still breathing and his vitals were relatively stable, but nothing would get him to come around. 

A hospice nurse who had taken care of him in the past came by to visit and talked me through what I could expect and also gave me a booklet with a section circled that was labeled, “Hours to one – two days.”  I didn’t think I needed or wanted to read it, but I did eventually read it and was glad I did.

After a while, my uncle and cousin came in.  Shortly after, grama came in.  She didn’t know what was going on yet, but she sure knew when she walked into the room and looked at all of us.

We had a few other visitors as the afternoon wore on including more of my cousins and my aunt.  Around 7:00, grama left to go home and get some rest.  I (in true Ashley fashion) refused to leave.  One of my wonderful friends went to my house, packed me a bag with three days’ worth of clothing and stuff and drove it all the way out to the nursing home for me.  I had absolutely no intention of leaving that nursing home until grampa took his last breath.  My friend who brought my things said, “I pity the person who tries to get you to leave.”

I sat up with grampa for a while, just holding his hand and talking to him now and then even though he couldn’t respond, telling him that I loved him and wouldn’t leave him.

I made a bed on the little loveseat in the room and slept well for three hours at a time.   He was to have a dose of morphine for the immense pain he was in every three hours.  I set alarms on my phone to go off every three hours to make sure the nurses didn’t forget.  They wouldn’t have forgotten, but I was determined to be on top of making sure he was as comfortable as possible. 

During one medicine wake up, he roused a bit, which made me clumsily jump up from my makeshift bed to get by his bedside.  I said, “Hi grampa.”  And he replied, “Hi Ashley.”  Throughout the night, he had a few more moments like this where he could get out a word or two.  It was obvious he wanted to speak more, but he just couldn’t. 

I woke up for his 6:00am dose of morphine and only lightly dozed after that.  By 7:30am I started wondering if I should get up or go back to sleep until 9:00.  I knew it would be a long day regardless of what happened so I reasoned that sleeping until 9:00 was a good idea.  Of course, my heart overruled my reason and I felt like I should get up and clean up the room in case any visitors began to come around 9:00. So I did.  I busied myself with cleaning the room up and the nursing home brought by a nice breakfast around 8:00.

Grampa was pretty active in the morning.  He spoke a few full sentences.  Not about anything in particular, but he spoke and was fairly aware.  In the book the hospice nurse had given me, it said that often times a person will have a surge of energy just before they pass.  I knew this must be it.  I texted my uncle and let him know.  I didn’t know if this meant there were minutes or a day or what, but I recognized this was a change.

I started to sit down in the recliner next to the bed and read, but something prompted me to go sit next to grampa and pay attention to him.  I don’t know if he awakened a bit or if he was coughing or what it was.  I really have no idea.  I was still only half awake, but I went to sit by him.  I sat by his side and held his hand and once again told him how much I loved him and that I wouldn’t leave him.  As minutes went by, it crossed my mind to say that over and over, but my heart told me to just be quiet and treasure the moment.  He already knew. 

As I watched him, there came a moment that I knew was going to be his last.  I had a brief moment of denial and question, but as I listened to his slowing breath and watched his face, I was certain.  I felt the tears begin to fall down my face and the feeling of sorrow creep in as I watched his chest rise and fall for the last time and his eyes completely close.  I sat for a few moments in sheer amazement before putting my head on his chest and checking for a pulse for confirmation.  When I knew for sure there was nothing, I looked at the clock and noted the time, 8:43am. 

I remember sobbing and gasping and continuing to hold his hand.  I remember my tears soaking in to his hospital gown as I cried with my head on his chest.  I remember standing up and pacing back and forth while running my fingers through my hair, then pulling my hair.  I remember grabbing hold of the chair and bed to get myself to stand still.  I remember simply not knowing what do or how to handle so many emotions all at once.  Most of all, I remember how thankful I felt and I remember saying it out loud in between sobs.  Ever since he has been in bad health, I’ve known that I wanted more than anything in the world to be there with him when he passed away.  I was so thankful I was there, holding his hand and watching him as he let go of life. 

I finally sat down beside him once more and stilled my body.  I took hold of his hand and quickly realized that his body had such little relevance to me.  It was an incredible and unexpected revelation.  I really thought I would want to remain close to his body for a long time, but it must be because I watched him let go that my heart knew with absolute certainty, he was far more with me in my heart than physically in that room.  It was a surprise, but a relief.  Everything suddenly felt so peaceful, so ok.  I was still hurting and sad, but much more calm and just truly ok. 

So now, 37 hours have passed without my grampa, but I’ve found a moment of solitude here in grampa’s favorite room, the fireplace room.  It has been snowing for a couple of hours and there was no firewood, so I picked up almost every fallen branch in the yard and broke them down into pieces that would fit in the fireplace to heat the room.  As I was picking up the branches and slamming my foot down on some of the bigger ones, essentially just making a fool of myself trying to break branches that were far too big for my strength and I realized that if grampa was watching me from heaven right then, he was probably laughing at me.  I’ve had to get up a few times while writing this and bring armloads of branches in just to keep it going, but like so much else, it just feels ok.  I’m sure grampa’s awfully happy I’m staying warm by a fire on this snowy evening, here in his room, the one he built with so much love.

Beyond my Bucket List

Dear friends,

I'd like to take a quick moment and thank you for following along with my adventures.  Though I know I haven't met all of you who read this blog, I'm thankful for every one of you.

Last week, I had the opportunity to get to know a fascinating woman.  This is a woman who has achieved great success in her life.  When I first met her, she was speaking to a group I was a part of and I found myself oddly drawn to her.  I couldn't exactly pinpoint why it was, but I made a point of introducing myself to her at the completion of the event.  Not only was her story incredible and inspiring, but there seemed to be something radiating from within her.  Happiness?  Success?  Contentment?  I really didn't know what it was, but I liked her.

She agreed to have coffee with me and impart some wisdom on career paths.  We talked a bit on careers, but quickly discovered we share a love for adventure, travel and new experiences.  The conversation changed gears and we shared some of our favorite experiences as well as a few items from our bucket lists.  I found that she had done some of the things I have not yet checked off my bucket list, so once again, she was inspiring me.  I enjoyed my time with her very much and left considering a lot of my favorite memories and adventures.  

I truly hope each and every one of you has a Bucket List.  I mean a true, written down list that you do everything you can to pursue the dreams on it.  I certainly have mine.  It is an ever evolving list.  There are currently 20 items on my list that have yet to be checked off and, believe me, I'm focused making them all happen.  Little by little, I WILL achieve everything.

There is another list I keep as well and that's the one I want to share with you today.  It is a list of some of the experiences I've had and skills I've learned that I treasure.  Some were crossed off my bucket list, others were more random opportunities.  It's important to remember the things you've accomplished.  Sometimes when I feel like there is still so much I want to do in my life and feel overwhelmed trying to figure out how I am going to manage to do everything, I look back on the things I have done and revel in how much fun I've had.  The list below is a piece of the list I copied and pasted from my personal document.  The grammar is massively inconsistent  so please forgive me.  I just wanted to share some of these things with you and remind you that not every accomplishment or adventure has to be extraordinary, expensive or life-changing.  An adventure is an adventure because it brought you joy and opened your eyes to something new, whether it be great or small.

Things I've Done

Bungee Jumped

Parasailed 

On the field for first NFL game of the season

Climbed the fence at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway

Water-ski

Own & ride motorcycles

Own a boat

Can drive a backhoe

Can drive a bobcat

Can drive a forklift

Got tattoos

Slept on the beach

Barrell Raced in a rodeo in Bandera, TX

Played cowbell in a steel drum band

Traveled to Italy

Swam in Mediterranean

Swam in Gulf of Mexico

Swam in Atlantic

Swam in Pacific

Learned to weld

Hunting

Own a home

Ride a mechanical bull

Drive a houseboat

Clean fish

Clean turtles

Hiked up a mountain for the sunset

Helped deliver a calf

Hang Glide

Participated in a 5K

Rode a painted horse in the Rio Grande

Listen to a Native American Storyteller

Spent time with Grampa in hospital & nursing home & held his hand when I thought I’d lose him right then

Was in a TV commercial

Learned to mountain bike at Women’s mountain biking clinic

Sprint Distance Triathalon

Met Garth Brooks!

Install laminate flooring in a whole house

Put on fireworks show at the lake

Mud Run

Trap shooting

Ziplining

Album release party in Nashville

Built a cabin porch in my living room

Hiked on the Appalachian Trail

Icy Fun at Turkey Run

I don't know about you, but it seems like a lot of people in my world are getting hit hard with cabin fever, me included!  In an effort to combat this horrible state of being, I've decided every free moment is a great opportunity to head out to the woods, snow or shine, cold or colder, no matter what, it's time to get outside!

The first hike of the year was a couple of weeks ago.  Turkey Run State Park is about an hour west of Indianapolis and is one of my favorite places to hike in the state.  It's just far enough to feel like a getaway, yet close enough to go anytime.  

Though we weren't leaving until late Saturday morning, my hiking buddy and I felt the need to get in the spirit a little early, so on Friday we made a trip to REI to look at gear and dream about adventures we'd like to embark upon.  REI is like my own little piece of heaven.  It's a good thing it is a bit of a drive or I'd be there at least once a week.

Friday night I went home to pack up for the weekend and discovered all my outdoors gear is in a massive disarray.  I'm not sure how it got so bad, but little by little, I've managed to scatter my gear over the winter.  I managed to locate everything except my headlamp, which I didn't figure I would need anyway, and got everything put into a couple of bags and ready to roll.  (I later found my headlamp in my hunting tote)

The following morning, I got up and ready and headed to my friend's house to throw everything in one vehicle and get on our way.  The hike was amazing.  Temperatures stayed right around freezing, but I was comfortable all day.  We hiked for five hours and covered nearly half the park.

It was such a beautiful day.  It snowed most of the day leaving gorgeous white flakes all over us and every other surface in the woods.  It added a fun challenge to some parts of the trail as well.  Nothing like a fresh layer of snow and ice on ladders and narrow ledges to get the blood pumping!

In the evening, we returned to my favorite motel of all time.  Every time I go to Turkey Run I try to stay there.  It is called the Parke Bridge Motel and is located in Rockville, IN.  It is run by a very sweet family and the rooms are so adorable.  It's the perfect place to return to after being on the trails.

Here are a few photos from the first hike of the year!

I know, I know

My balancing act on the icy ledge.

First hike with the new poles.  They are amazing!  

Little bat at the lunch spot.  I named him Walter.

Icy tree bent over.  Looked like a fun challenge.